Are you living life to the fullest? Pursuing your hopes and dreams? Have you done the math and does how you spend your time reflect your values? Have you ever taken the time to decide what's truly important to you?
Each of us gets 24 hours a day, no more, no less, for as many days as we are given to spend on this planet. Most of us, however, live as though we'll be here forever. Anyone who's lost a loved one or has faced a life threatening condition knows all to well that nothing could be further from the truth. While its not healthy to live in fear and worry about dying every day, those desiring to live life to the fullest must determine what they truly value and live with intentionality. Otherwise, they are pretty much destined to flit and flounder, and squander the days.
One of the joys of modern technology is that it provides us an opportunity to contact people from our past. I recently reconnected with an old friend and when I shared I'm passionate about helping others live life to the fullest and have better relationships, he asked me if I was living life to the fullest myself. What a great question!
My answer was that while I waste time and am in no way perfect, I make a concerted effort to live each day to the fullest. You see, I learned an incredibly difficult lesson at age 25 when a close friend was killed. The day of her death was the day I learned that life is incredibly short, there are no guarantees on tomorrow and our time on this earth is extremely precious. I wrote the following approximately three years after her death. Sixteen years later, it still captures the essence of how I try to live.
Life and Death
Death you are an obtuse teacher. You're not organized. You don't always follow a logical sequence. You're hard to keep up with. Your lectures are full of veiled messages. And just when I think I have you figured out, you change. If you were a professor, your evaluations would reflect your fickleness. Your inability to be fully understood. And yet I've learned from you, painful lessons I don't care to repeat. I'm glad it's audit. Not pass/fail. And yet maybe that's exactly what it is. You rob us of life if we refuse to learn from you. And what have I learned? Life is fragile, a glorious event. I must remember you make no promises for tomorrow. What I consider important can no longer be put off. I must live each day to the fullest, as though it were my last. And I must remember that life is short. Too short to be wasted. Too short to do things I don't enjoy. Too short to be angry. Too short to be depressed. Too short to be so serious. Too short to live indoors. Too short to watch TV. That's exactly what I've learned, life is short. There are no promises. And yet, I still want to love God above all else. To love others selflessly. To grow wise. To feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my face. To learn. To feel. To play. To love. I want to live. And yes, I want to grow old. Don't cheat me death. Yet if you do, I'd have few regrets. I love what I'm doing, the person I'm becoming. In this short span of time I've been so blessed. How many people get to live their dreams? Thank you, God. For life. For love. For the time I've been given.
What about you? Are you pursuing your dreams and living life to the fullest? Are there things you've put off that you need to be doing? Do you act as though your time here is unlimited?
If you haven't done so yet, I encourage you to create a life creed/mission statement. Although it can take time and effort, once you determine what's important to you, you'll know how to spend the finite time, talent and resources you possess. I have one question for you in closing: Are you living life to fullest?
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Top Ten Tips For Attaining Happily Ever After
If you're reading this you, like millions of others, desire a lifetime of lasting love! Have no fear, happily ever after is attainable! I regularly watch couples create it! How is it created? Through hard work, patience, sacrifice, compromise, negotiation, commitment, humor and a willingness to forgive-- a little bit different than the way it magically appears in the movies!
The following are tips for helping you in your quest for happily ever after:
10) Make a list of 10 things you love about your spouse. While you may occasionally forget why you married the love of your life, there were specific reasons! As opposed to a healthy marriage where couples dwell on their spouse's strengths, in distressed relationships, thoughts about our spouse are negatively skewed. Keep a top ten list, read it regularly, and when you get mad, remind yourself, "It's a good thing I love xyz, otherwise we'd have a real problem!"
9) Understand that love has phases. When you marry you're in the romantic phase of love that feels incredible! Enjoy it as long as it lasts which is typically one week to two years after you marry, but don't hold it out as the standard for "real" love. It's the period designed to "glue" your hearts together and create a separate unit from the rest of the world. Once it's job is done, the romantic phase of love must die for "real" love to emerge. While it's not as flashy, those who achieve it report it as being infinitely more satisfying.
8) Recognize that love is a choice and an action, not a feeling. Enjoy the intoxicating feelings of love when they are present, but understand that love isn't static and needs attention. Understanding that love is a choice empowers us to consider that our spouse's needs to be equally important to our own. If you want to attain happily ever after, act in a loving manner even when you don't feel loved or loving. Bottom line: love is a daily choice, involves action and doesn't always feel good! Ouch!
7) Nip problems in the bud, before you get really upset and they take root. Even though talking about "concerns" takes energy and isn't always pleasant, when you work through conflict you build greater trust, love and intimacy! Talking through problems is easiest when they are little and occurring for the first time as it allows us to address things civilly and productively. If you let things build up, you're going to blow sometime and I pity whoever is in your way when you do.
6) Avoid using "always" and "never". Trust me; you'll no longer be arguing about your concern, but about how often and when! Stick to the present concern and set yourself up for a productive argument.
5) Realize if one party has a problem, the marriage has a problem. In today's world, it's easy to shrug our shoulders and say, "Not my problem" and discount our spouse's needs and wants. Those who attain happily ever after recognize that if either partner has a problem, the marriage has a problem that needs to be addressed. Work things out so that both of your needs are getting met and neither of you is left feeling taken advantage of or frustrated. Fight for your marriage--you're on the same team!
4) Negotiate win-win solutions. If you want happily ever after, you've got to learn how to work together, ensure that both of your needs are getting met and that neither of you is consistently giving in to get along. In unhealthy relationships, one partner usually wins at the other partners expense. How wonderful to be the one who consistently gets what they want. When you engage in negotiation, you won't get everything you want, but you and your partner will both feel valued and respected. Remember, if one regularly wins at the expense of the other, huge problems will develop over time.
3) Remember that love waxes and wanes, just like the moon. Enjoy the full periods when love feels great! Use the waning times as motivation to figure out what you need to do to reconnect and take your relationship to the next level. If you're bored, work together to find something new that both of you can enjoy. If you no longer have dreams or goals as a couple, create new ones. Add some spice and excitement if your marriage or life feels mundane. Commitment is the glue that will pull your through the low times, don't ever lose it!
2) Avoid marital terrorism. Never threaten divorce, even if it does sound like an attractive option! Additionally, avoid leaving your partner in anger without letting them know where you're going and when you'll be back. Lastly, never withhold sex as a punishment or use it to manipulate your partner into giving you what you want. If you want happily ever after, you must create a safe place for love to grow where neither of you feel manipulated or fearful.
1) Pray together daily. Those who aren't spiritual may scoff, but the divorce rate for couple's who pray together daily is less than 1%! That's impressive in a society where the divorce rate hovers at 50%! Why does praying together help? Beyond receiving help from a powerful source, praying with and for your spouse is intimate and bonds couples in very unique way.
Happily ever after is attainable, but in real life it doesn't occur on its own. Engaging in the above tips will improve your interactions, increase your feelings of love and enhance your ability to work together as a couple. I applaud you as you work toward becoming the type of couple that others envy!
The following are tips for helping you in your quest for happily ever after:
10) Make a list of 10 things you love about your spouse. While you may occasionally forget why you married the love of your life, there were specific reasons! As opposed to a healthy marriage where couples dwell on their spouse's strengths, in distressed relationships, thoughts about our spouse are negatively skewed. Keep a top ten list, read it regularly, and when you get mad, remind yourself, "It's a good thing I love xyz, otherwise we'd have a real problem!"
9) Understand that love has phases. When you marry you're in the romantic phase of love that feels incredible! Enjoy it as long as it lasts which is typically one week to two years after you marry, but don't hold it out as the standard for "real" love. It's the period designed to "glue" your hearts together and create a separate unit from the rest of the world. Once it's job is done, the romantic phase of love must die for "real" love to emerge. While it's not as flashy, those who achieve it report it as being infinitely more satisfying.
8) Recognize that love is a choice and an action, not a feeling. Enjoy the intoxicating feelings of love when they are present, but understand that love isn't static and needs attention. Understanding that love is a choice empowers us to consider that our spouse's needs to be equally important to our own. If you want to attain happily ever after, act in a loving manner even when you don't feel loved or loving. Bottom line: love is a daily choice, involves action and doesn't always feel good! Ouch!
7) Nip problems in the bud, before you get really upset and they take root. Even though talking about "concerns" takes energy and isn't always pleasant, when you work through conflict you build greater trust, love and intimacy! Talking through problems is easiest when they are little and occurring for the first time as it allows us to address things civilly and productively. If you let things build up, you're going to blow sometime and I pity whoever is in your way when you do.
6) Avoid using "always" and "never". Trust me; you'll no longer be arguing about your concern, but about how often and when! Stick to the present concern and set yourself up for a productive argument.
5) Realize if one party has a problem, the marriage has a problem. In today's world, it's easy to shrug our shoulders and say, "Not my problem" and discount our spouse's needs and wants. Those who attain happily ever after recognize that if either partner has a problem, the marriage has a problem that needs to be addressed. Work things out so that both of your needs are getting met and neither of you is left feeling taken advantage of or frustrated. Fight for your marriage--you're on the same team!
4) Negotiate win-win solutions. If you want happily ever after, you've got to learn how to work together, ensure that both of your needs are getting met and that neither of you is consistently giving in to get along. In unhealthy relationships, one partner usually wins at the other partners expense. How wonderful to be the one who consistently gets what they want. When you engage in negotiation, you won't get everything you want, but you and your partner will both feel valued and respected. Remember, if one regularly wins at the expense of the other, huge problems will develop over time.
3) Remember that love waxes and wanes, just like the moon. Enjoy the full periods when love feels great! Use the waning times as motivation to figure out what you need to do to reconnect and take your relationship to the next level. If you're bored, work together to find something new that both of you can enjoy. If you no longer have dreams or goals as a couple, create new ones. Add some spice and excitement if your marriage or life feels mundane. Commitment is the glue that will pull your through the low times, don't ever lose it!
2) Avoid marital terrorism. Never threaten divorce, even if it does sound like an attractive option! Additionally, avoid leaving your partner in anger without letting them know where you're going and when you'll be back. Lastly, never withhold sex as a punishment or use it to manipulate your partner into giving you what you want. If you want happily ever after, you must create a safe place for love to grow where neither of you feel manipulated or fearful.
1) Pray together daily. Those who aren't spiritual may scoff, but the divorce rate for couple's who pray together daily is less than 1%! That's impressive in a society where the divorce rate hovers at 50%! Why does praying together help? Beyond receiving help from a powerful source, praying with and for your spouse is intimate and bonds couples in very unique way.
Happily ever after is attainable, but in real life it doesn't occur on its own. Engaging in the above tips will improve your interactions, increase your feelings of love and enhance your ability to work together as a couple. I applaud you as you work toward becoming the type of couple that others envy!
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